Caring for Aging Parents: What’s Missing in Pre-Marital Counseling
Recently, I had the privilege of walking two couples—both in their late twenties and early thirties—through the premarital counseling process. These sessions are intended to help couples prepare for the transition from single life to shared life and the inevitable twists and turns that come with marriage. Typically, I meet seven to eight times before the wedding, discussing topics using a guided book and an online profile assessment. These resources touch on areas like communication, finances, sexual expectations, and family background—but they often leave out one increasingly relevant issue: caring for aging parents.
An Unexpected Journey
Years ago, I found myself envious of a friend whose parents passed away unexpectedly but peacefully—both in their 80s, still relatively independent. While their passing was sad, there was no long-term care, no memory loss, and no extended decline. Compared to what many families face, their experience seemed like a mercy.
That wasn’t the story for my wife and me. We made the decision to care for her parents in our home when their needs—both financial and physical—became apparent. That led to a decade-long journey that included helping my mother through cancer treatment. We eventually brought my father (who suffered from Alzheimer’s) into our home as well. Each situation required compassion, decisions, and energy we didn’t know we had.
What’s Missing in Premarital Counseling
Throughout the many premarital sessions I've led, not one couple has asked how to prepare for aging parents. The materials never bring it up. Perhaps that’s because, for newlyweds, this topic feels like a distant future. Many also assume elder care will be outsourced. And that's okay—every family's situation is different, and there's no shame in the choices made.
Still, I’ve come to believe that helping couples even begin to consider these challenges could make a meaningful difference in how they plan and how they relate to one another when that season comes.
Encouragement for Couples
Here are three encouragements I offer couples when we do bring up the subject of caring for aging parents:
1. Stay open and curious – A growth mindset is key. These seasons will teach you about yourself.
2. Acknowledge the sacred – Caregiving is emotional, spiritual, and relational. It's real life, and it's holy work.
3. Honor your parents – Celebrate their impact on your life while they are still living.
The shift from adult child to caregiver is a major life transition—one that demands grace, planning, and support. When I eventually write a book on marriage prep, I promise you, there will be a chapter on this.
