Does Porn Affect my Relationships?
Prevalence of porn addiction
Pornography is more prevalent now than any time in history, and it’s affecting our ability to grow authentic relationships. The advent of internet pornography has led to a huge rise in accessibility, anonymity, and intensity of pornography content. One study found that 50% of men in casual dating relationships view porn regularly. 40% in serious dating relationships, and 20% of married men (Caroll et. al., 2017). Pornhub, a leading pornography site, boasted 42 billion visitors in 2019, roughly 115 million per day (Pornhub, 2019). Clearly, a lot of porn is being watched, including by people in relationships. What then is the impact that porn is having on our relationships, if any? Here’s what we know.
Statistics on Pornography and Relationships
We’ll begin with the research. Many recent studies have identified porn use as associated with lower relationship satisfaction. Pornography users tend to have lower sexual satisfaction, increased likelihood of cheating, and twice the likelihood of breakup or divorce (Maddox, et. al.; Perry, 2018). Partners of pornography users also report decreased relationship quality and decreased self-esteem. On an individual level, pornography is significantly associated with increased loneliness and a variety of other mental health issues (Fight the New Drug). At face value, the numbers suggest pornography and porn addiction is not helping our relationships.
Effects of Porn on Intimacy
“The truth is, porn can take a heavy toll on real-life relationships.”
- Fight the New Drug
Recent advances in neuroscience might help us understand why pornography is so unhelpful to our relationships. Neurons in our brain communicate with each other via chemical messengers called neurotransmitters. Two particularly relevant neurotransmitters when discussing porn use are oxytocin and vasopressin. These messengers play key roles in relational bonding. Mothers emit huge quantities of oxytocin after childbirth, helping them bond with their baby. And both neurotransmitters are emitted in large amounts after sex, creating deep emotional attachment between the participants. The same chemicals are emitted after masturbation, connecting the viewer to whatever they are viewing at the time. Repeated bonding to pornographic material creates a strong neural pathway that associates sexual pleasure with pornography, making it more difficult to find sexual pleasure in real sex (Park et. al., 2016). Over time, users increase their reliance on pornography for comfort, pleasure, and even a sense of connection. The unintended side-effect of this process is decreased satisfaction in relationships and dependence on pornography for emotional regulation.
Pornography offers the viewer partners that are entirely at the disposal of the user. They require nothing, offer anything, and can be replaced in an instant for something new. Furthermore, a significant amount of pornography content contains depictions of sex that are unrealistic and even violent. Real connection and sex on the other hand require connection, vulnerability, and attunement to the other person. Porn addiction creates expectations of endless novelty, unhindered access, and extreme or abnormal sexual acts, leaving users and their partners with difficulty developing a healthy and pleasurable sexual relationship.
Healing from Porn Addiction
“If you want to understand why you are addicted to something, you have to understand the conditions that keep your addiction in place.”
-Jay Stringer, Unwanted
Perhaps you already know that pornography is a problem for you, but you’re not sure how to quit. Step one is rejecting the voice of shame, opening ourselves up to healing. Addiction is an attempt to deal with the emotional pain we experience, so a lasting solution must address the pain. This can’t be done alone. If you or someone you or a loved one struggles with pornography addiction, you are not alone.
Our team of counselors at Rivers Edge would be honored to walk with you into greater freedom and fuller life. If you are ready to start this journey, or if you have questions, reach out to our friendly admin team at any of our locations.
