Narcissism is a term that’s become increasingly popular in recent years —especially in spaces like leadership, relationships, and mental health. We see the charismatic executive or pastor be revealed with a terrible pattern of divisiveness and abuse, and the word “narcissistic” starts to be used quickly to describe them.
But what does narcissism even mean? And why is narcissism so damaging to us as individuals and organizations? This article will give you practical ways to spot a narcissist, and an understanding of why these patterns can seem to come out of nowhere in your job, your church, and your family.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism, at its core, involves a distorted sense of self and almost zero ability to relate to others. While full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a clinical diagnosis, many people exhibit narcissistic traits without meeting the full criteria. These individuals can still create significant harm in relationships, workplaces, and communities. More on this later.
There are three key traits that often define narcissistic thinking:
- An Elevated View of Self – A narcissistic thinker often believes they are smarter, more competent, or more valuable than others, even in the absence of evidence. In their mind, there is something special and more right about themselves than others. I have heard narcissists describe themselves, when they let their guard down, as being on a different level to the rest of the world. “Others just don’t get it,” or “The rest of the world is so (lazy, cowardly, ignorant, etc)” – these types of comments often reveal the depth of a narcissist’s grandiosity.
- Black-and-White Thinking – There is little room for nuance. People are either allies or threats. Many narcissists will describe this as being aligned with the organization they are leading. “They aren’t one of us” or “They do not get what we are doing here” are ways of sneakily casting someone out, and a clear sign of these all-or-nothing thought patterns.
- Lack of Empathy – Lastly, narcissistic thinkers struggle to truly understand or care about the experiences of others. This isn’t just about being selfish; it’s an inability to step outside of themselves. Any opinion different from a narcissist’s view is seen with suspicion and a potential threat. Further more, a view that is even slightly different from a narcissist’s is not seen as close enough. A couple degrees off or nuanced is the same as being an opposing view. And this is what draws the anger from a narcissist.
It Get’s Worse
How these traits relate is clear. This is where it gets even more destructive: all three of these narcissistic traits build on and reinforce one another. For example, consider this sample thought pattern –
- If I believe I am truly more skilled or intelligent than others, then why would I waste my valuable time trying to understand others’ ignorant thoughts? They need to get on board with me, not the other way around.
- If I do not spend time learning the difficult skill of deep reflection or empathy, then I become more crystal clear with how right my thoughts and views are. By only comparing to myself, I am developing my own internal echo chamber.
- And now, I have discovered that I am even more right than I first thought.
- And around and around this patterns self-fulfills, as the narcissistic traits deepen.
What Does Being on the Narcissistic Spectrum Mean?
Importantly, narcissism exists on a spectrum—imagine a scale from 0 to 100. If zero is someone with no traits of narcissism, often a person in the 10-20 range is excused as being a strong personality. Or perhaps someone who is simply “Type A”.
Someone at a “40” might not qualify for a clinical diagnosis, but their impact is often as destructive as someone at “100.” You heard that correctly: a mildly narcissistic person is often more destructive than someone who is fully diagnosable.
Why is this the case? After all, we are linear thinkers. Stage 3 cancer is worse than Stage 1. Wouldn’t more severe traits of a personality disorder mean more damage? The difference though is a person with these traits but some self-awareness is going to more easily slip unnoticed by those around them. As humans, we are designed for peace and grace with others. When narcissist is able to muster up a morsel of an apology or compassion, we are quick to forget the wrongs and move past an uncomfortable situation. Without realizing it, wonderful traits of mercy and forgiveness are exploited. The narcissist continues to go unchecked in their patterns of harm and selfishness.
Where Does Narcissism Come From?
For years, researchers believed narcissistic personality traits stemmed from childhood trauma or emotional neglect, such as inconsistent caregiving, enmeshment, or early overvaluation. While those factors can certainly contribute, there isn’t a single origin story. In fact, narcissistic traits can sometimes appear later in adulthood, especially in environments that reward image over authenticity.
The development of narcissism is complex, often shaped by a mixture of genetic, environmental, and social factors. Understanding its origins can foster empathy, but it doesn’t excuse harmful behavior.
Pop Psychology vs. Clinical Reality
With social media and popular culture normalizing terms like “narcissist” and “gaslighting,” it’s easy to over-diagnose or misuse these words. But the risk cuts both ways. While we want to avoid unfairly labeling someone, it’s equally important not to minimize real pain and traumas of those left in the wake of a narcissist’s path.
Especially when someone has experienced emotional abuse or spiritual trauma, not meeting them with their understanding of the correct terms can often cause further harm to that person. This becomes a fine line to walk, as you are trying to better empathize someone’s harm while also understanding that the term “narcissist” in pop culture has become a catch-all for various forms of hurt.
How Can You Spot a Narcissistic Thinker?
Sadly, many narcissistic traits overlap with what we often admire in leaders: confidence, hard work, and vision. But the warning signs lie in the nuances beneath the surface:
- A need for results that are bigger and faster than what’s reasonable, often at the cost of others’ well-being.
- Surrounding themselves with “yes” people, rather than peers who challenge and refine them.
- Inability to offer sincere apologies – they may offer on-apologies (i.e. “I’m sorry you feel that way” or the classic “Mistakes were made”) but as narcissism progresses the narcissist often avoids apologies altogether.
- Quiet removal of accountability, including avoidance of feedback, board oversight, or ethical structures.
- Rewriting the past, especially their own vulnerable moments, spinning failures into flattering narratives. If the narcissist is a part of religious organization, God’s will or hyper-spiritual language may be incorporated to validate their mistakes.
How Do You Engage With Someone Who Has NPD?
If you suspect someone in your life or workplace has diagnosable NPD, the best strategy—when possible—is often to create distance or move on. This is because narcissistic individuals tend to use manipulation, gaslighting, and boundary violations to maintain control and power.
But when avoidance isn’t an option—such as in professional settings—your first question should be: “Do they recognize my authority or value in this dynamic?”
- If yes, keep communication clear, short, and specific. Offer accountability with both grace and boundaries.
- If no, it can feel like emotional tightrope walking. In these cases, speak to their central concerns—organizational success, public image, or legacy. Be specific about your needs and contributions, but avoid trying to “win” emotionally. This may feel like snake-charming, and in truth, it often is.
What If I See Narcissistic Traits in Myself?
If you’re reading this and quietly thinking, “What if this is me?”—take a breath. That kind of self-awareness is remarkable, and it’s also the first step toward healing.
There is real hope for transformation, but it requires commitment and humility:
- Work with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic traits or personality disorders.
- Be prepared for 2–3 years of sustained work, including accountability from people who are both wise and willing to name your blind spots
- Step down—at least temporarily—from positions of authority, particularly roles that involve managing others. This can be formal or informal but allows space for genuine growth.
- Let go of the idea that you must carry the mantle of perfection or leadership alone.
Healing is possible. But it’s hard work—and it’s not quick. Still, for those willing to engage the process, there is profound freedom on the other side.
In Summary: Narcissism isn’t just a trendy insult or a character flaw. It’s a serious, sometimes dangerous pattern that can destroy relationships, communities, and organizations when unchecked. But it’s also a pattern that can be understood, navigated, and in some cases, healed.Whether you’re navigating the effects of narcissism in someone else—or beginning to confront it in yourself—know this: you are not alone, and there is a path forward.