How to Have “Good” Conflict: Using Gottman Principles

Julia Lowrey
Julia Lowrey | College Station

Have you ever had an argument that started over the dishes but ended with one of you sleeping on the couch? You find yourself wondering how it all went wrong.

Conflict is an inevitable, normal part of every relationship. Whether it’s friendships, family, or romantic relationships, conflict happens, but it doesn’t have to end poorly. Maybe you’ve experienced a trusted friend cancelling plans at the last minute again and felt that you needed to say something. Or maybe your roommate left dishes in the sink for one too many days, and you’re scared to approach them for fear of the tension it could spark. Maybe you’re a parent who is struggling to communicate with your teenager because it regularly ends in a slammed door or shouting across the house. Whatever the relationship, there is going to be disagreements because we all have different wants, desires, needs, dreams, and values. What matters most in conflict is how it is handled. Using Gottman principles, conflict can be handled with grace and build a deeper relationship.

What is Good Conflict?

Having deep, meaningful relationships does not equate to conflict-free relationships. If there is no conflict in a relationship, then that could mean a couple of things: one partner is not sharing their real thoughts and feelings while the other is calling all the shots, or neither partner is sharing their true thoughts and feelings for fear of hurting the other. In either case, the couple is not being honest with each other, which can lead to resentment, power imbalances, or growing apart, etc. While there are many reasons for a couple to not have conflict, for the purposes of this article, it will focus on the idea of why it is important to have conflict in a constructive way and how to do so.

So what is good conflict? In regards to romantic relationships, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman (Gottman & Gottman, 2024) writes:

Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection. The problem is, we haven’t been taught how to do it right.

In other words, good conflict helps couples build a deeper connection by learning more about ourselves, our partner, and what both partners want. The goal is not to “win” the argument, but rather it is to turn toward our partner with curiosity and respect.

Gottman Perspective On Conflict

Dr. John Gottman with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, started working together in 1994 to develop the “Sound Relationship House” theory and other interventions for relationships based on Dr. John Gottman’s research (The Gottman Institute, n.d.). John had created a lab in 1986, famously called the “Love Lab” by media, that was an apartment laboratory meant to help John and his colleagues study couples and their relationship patterns (The Gottman Institute, n.d.). There, John discovered how couples can have a friendship and maintain the intimacy during conflict and how it is related to conflict as well as dysfunctional patterns in couples that lead to divorce (The Gottman Institute, n.d.). The Gottmans then described these dysfunctional patterns as the “Four Horsemen” in relationships that predicted the likelihood that a marriage would end in divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Lisitsa, 2024a). The main idea here is that the way a couple fights determines the strength of the relationship. The presence of any of the four horsemen in the relationship can lead to conflict that escalates and make partners grow further apart from each other.

1. Soften the Start-up

The antidote to criticism is to soften the start-up of the conversation. How the conversation starts is a likely predictor of how it will end. If the conversation starts with “You never clean up the dishes!” or “You’re always on your phone when I’m talking to you. You don’t even care about me!”, this is likely to cause the conflict to go poorly or end up exactly where the problem started. Instead, a soft start-up uses a complaint without blaming the other, “I” statements rather than “you” statements, descriptive language rather than judgmental language, and appreciation for the partner (Lisitsa, 2024b). An example of this could be:

“Hey honey, I was really frustrated when the dishes weren’t clean this morning. I was upset because I wanted to get dinner started right away tonight and we agreed you could clean them up today. If you can try to make sure you get them cleaned up before dinner next time, I would really appreciate it.”

This example uses “I” statements that reflect the speaker’s emotions and describes the situation without using judgment. The speaker is also appreciative and polite of the listener, not blaming or casting judgment.

2. Accept influence

Accepting influence is also important for managing conflict in relationships, but what does “accepting influence” mean? Simply put, accepting influence requires acknowledging that your partner’s point of view is valid and being open to their ideas and opinions (Smyth, 2025). You are communicating to your partner that their opinions and thoughts are important to you. This can be communicated in different ways, even if it’s just “I see what you mean” or “I can see why you feel that way”. It’s important to listen with curiosity and be open-minded to be influenced by your partner. According to Gottman, the more you are willing to be influenced, the more influential you will be (Smyth, 2025).

3. Self-Soothing

Self-soothing is important when you realize that you are emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. Recognizing this in a conflict is important because the “Four Horsemen” are inevitable when we are emotionally flooded. The signs of emotional flooding include racing heart, the inability to listen, or the urge to attack or withdraw. When this occurs, it is important to take a break from the conversation and return when both partners are calm and regulated. Self-soothing can include taking a walk, taking deep breaths, using progressive muscle relaxation or another calming technique for 20 minutes so that you can resume the conversation in a more calm, regulated state.

4. Make and Receive Repair Attempts

A repair attempt is an effort to de-escalate tension in the conflict either with words or actions. Repair attempts can be subtle, such as eye contact, humor, or a gentle touch. An example of a repair attempt could simply be “I spoke too harshly. Let me try that again.” Another example could be simply reminding your partner that you love them. There are many ways to make a repair, but it can take practice to achieve in the heat of an argument. How couples make repairs and receive repairs makes for effectively avoiding the Four Horsemen (Brittle, 2025).

5. Focus on the Person Not the Problem

Two-thirds of problems are unsolvable according to Dr. John Gottman’s research (Brittle, 2024). This may sound very daunting, but consider these examples:

“Going to see your family is really stressful for me. I know you’re trying to protect me, but they do not seem to be receptive to your attempts to set boundaries.”

“Both sides of the family want us to visit them for Thanksgiving, and the dates do not logistically work where we can be with both sides the same year.”

If the majority of problems will persist, then how do couples have happy, long-lasting, healthy relationships? The problem itself is not as important as the person we’re having dialogue with. When we focus on the problem, we lose sight of the person we love. When we focus on the person, we are able to empathize, gain perspective, and have dialogue (Brittle, 2024). Think “it’s us against this problem” not “it’s me against you”. Practically, this means asking what lies underneath the issue. What is the dream or hope lying beneath the issue? Is there something coming up from another relationship or from childhood? If both partners can listen and answer these questions, then dialogue can happen. We can also avoid the Four Horsemen (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and replace them with the antidotes (gentle start-up, appreciation, taking responsibility, and self-soothing).

When Conflict Feels Too Difficult

There are times when conflict has happened over and over with the same discouraging results. We feel overwhelmed, stuck, frustrated, exhausted, hopeless, or contemptuous. When it feels as if an argument just won’t be resolved and there is “gridlock”, it can feel so defeating. The statistic mentioned earlier that two-thirds of arguments are perpetual or unsolvable, may make you feel hopeless; however, that does not mean there cannot be good conversations and a close, healthy relationship with our partner. It is normal to have perpetual conflicts, but the conflicts don’t have to leave us feeling further away from our partner. If you and your partner wish to improve your communication and conflict styles,it is okay to seek help. Counseling is not a sign of failure. There is strength in asking for help.

Conclusion

Conflict is inevitable. Some conflicts are perpetual. If conflict is handled with humility, gentleness, and patience, healthy conflict is attainable. If healthy conflict is attainable, so is a healthy, thriving, joy-filled relationship. Conflict is a part of life, so why not use the opportunity to your advantage and build intimacy with your loved one?

References

Schedule a Session