Grief is a deeply personal journey, one that can be filled with complicated emotions and unexpected experiences. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, certain pitfalls can make the process more difficult or even impede healing. Here, we explore five common pitfalls to avoid to help navigate grief with more resilience, understanding, and self-compassion.
1. Suppressing Your Emotions
One of the most significant pitfalls in grief is the attempt to suppress or ignore your emotions. Grief can be intensely painful and can feel overwhelming at times. This can lead us to try to suppress the emotions that come up in the grief process through distractions like social media, TV, or filling our time with work or other activities. Society also often encourages a stiff upper lip, especially in public. So, you may feel that your emotions don’t have a safe place to be expressed and accepted. However, avoiding or denying your feelings can prolong the grieving process and lead to unresolved emotional issues.
Example:
Take, for instance, the story of Denise, who lost her mother to cancer. Denise, a successful business executive, felt compelled to maintain her professional demeanor despite her profound loss. She threw herself into work, which helped distract her from her grief, and avoided talking about her feelings with friends or colleagues, believing that showing vulnerability was a sign of weakness. This approach led Denise to feel isolated and overwhelmed, ultimately manifesting in severe anxiety, chronic migraines, and insomnia. Only when she sought therapy did she start to address her suppressed emotions, which was a crucial step toward her healing.
Research supports this view, indicating that emotional expression is vital for processing grief. According to a study published in American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, acknowledging and expressing grief can lead to more effective coping strategies and emotional recovery (Zisook et al., 2007). It can be very scary to face the emotions grief brings and to allow yourself to feel them. Yet, it is pivotal in your grief journey to give yourself permission to feel and to find a safe space to allow yourself to express your emotions.
2. Avoiding Social Support
Another common pitfall is avoiding social support. Many people grieving a loss may withdraw from friends and family, either out of a desire to be alone or a belief that others cannot understand their pain. You may also feel that you don’t want to burden others around you with your pain, especially if they are also grieving. Yet, in reality, a key aid in the grieving process is to have connection rather than be alone in your grief. So, stepping away or shutting down your emotions around others, even in a desire to protect them, not only deprives you of much needed support but may also cause them to feel they need to do the same and lead to loss of connection rather than support.
Example:
Aaron and Stacy who were married with three children, lost their youngest daughter in a car accident. Initially, they both grieved and tried to support each other. Over time, however, Aaron noticed that when he brought up anything about their daughter, Stacy would begin crying. She had a hard time recovering for the rest of the day. So, he started to avoid bringing up his feelings of grief around her. Stacy and Aaron also both felt that they needed to help their other two children to move forward. They didn’t want their sadness to be a burden to them. So, they both avoided talking about or expressing their own feelings of grief with them or with each other. They felt that they needed to be strong for those around them and neglected their own need to grieve. This created emotional distance between Aaron and Stacy and caused them both to feel alone in their grief. They were only able to begin addressing these feelings when they went to marriage counseling years later.
The importance of social support is backed by research from the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. This highlights that social connections can significantly impact the recovery process. These provide emotional comfort and practical assistance (Cohen & Wills, 1985). Whether you have family or friends who love you and can be a place of safety for you or you feel you need a third party like a professional counselor to go to, social support plays a crucial role in the grieving process. Know this, your needs matter! More often than not, to your loved ones, it is not a burden to support you in your grief, but an honor. There are also many grief support groups that you can join. These can be a wonderful place to express your grief and gain connection with others. These are people who understand the deep pain of the grief process.
3. Rushing the Process
Grieving is not a linear process, and there is no set timeline for how long it should take. One of the pitfalls many people fall into is trying to rush through their grief. This is typically driven by societal expectations or personal pressure. This approach can lead to incomplete healing and prolonged suffering.
Example:
Lena, who lost her father suddenly, felt pressure to “get over it” quickly, especially from well-meaning friends and family. They suggested she should “focus on her future and move on” after a few months. Lena’s attempt to conform to this timeline led her to push aside her grief rather than addressing it fully. Over time, this avoidance resulted in increased feelings of anger and frustration. It wasn’t until Lena gave herself permission to grieve at her own pace that she began to heal more effectively.
A study published in the Journal of Death and Dying emphasizes that grief is a unique and personal experience. Attempting to adhere to an arbitrary timeline can be counterproductive (Neimeyer, 2001). Some cultures provide outlets for grief such as wearing specific clothing for a prolonged period of time as an outward expression of grief or engaging in elaborate rituals. Others provide set times of grieving that can last for weeks or even months. Yet, in other cultures, there is an expectation to shut down grief and to move forward quickly. This pressure to “move on” quickly is often much quicker than what is truly needed for the grief process. It’s tempting to rush grief to avoid the pain. But it’s important to resist pressure and give yourself permission to take the time you need.”
4. Engaging in Self-Destructive Behaviors
In times of grief, some individuals might turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse, overeating, or risky behaviors, as a way to numb the pain. While these behaviors might provide temporary relief, they often exacerbate the underlying issues and hinder the healing process.
Example:
Orlando, who lost his brother in a skiing accident, began drinking heavily as a way to cope with his grief. Initially, alcohol provided an escape from his emotional pain, but over time, Orlando’s drinking problem worsened. This lead to further isolation and deteriorating health. It wasn’t until Orlando sought professional help and engaged in healthier coping strategies that he started to address both his grief and his addiction in a more constructive manner.
The negative impact of self-destructive behaviors on grieving is well-documented. The Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment outlines that such behaviors can lead to a range of additional mental and physical health issues, complicating the grieving process further (Williams et al., 2000). There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve. If you’re unsure if the behaviors you are engaging in in response to grief are healthy or self-destructive, a good question to ask yourself is this: Is what I am doing harmful to myself (or someone else), or is it helpful/supportive for me in processing my grief? There’s no perfect way to grieve, and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way. Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things to go through in life, so more than ever, it’s important to give yourself as much self-care and support as possible.
5. Avoiding Professional Help
Finally, avoiding professional help is a significant pitfall for those struggling with grief. While many people find solace in friends and family, professional therapists or counselors can provide specialized support and strategies to manage grief effectively.
Example:
Emily, after the death of her husband, tried to handle her grief on her own, believing that therapy was unnecessary. Her struggle with intense grief led to persistent feelings of hopelessness and depression. It wasn’t until a concerned friend encouraged her to see a grief counselor that Emily began to find relief. The counselor provided her with tools and strategies tailored to her needs, which significantly aided her recovery.
The effectiveness of professional support in managing grief is supported by research. A review in Psychotherapy Research highlights that therapeutic interventions can offer valuable coping mechanisms and emotional support that friends and family might not be able to provide (Cuijpers et al., 2014). The journey through grief is often long and complicated. If you have lost a close loved one, the landscape of your life may look foreign and have new and higher mountains than you’ve ever climbed before. Friends and family are often wonderful support, but they may not know how best to help you with this climb. It is okay to need help navigating this new and difficult path before you from someone who is trained to help equip you for the journey.
Conclusion
Grieving is an intensely personal experience, and while there is no one-size-fits-all approach, avoiding these common pitfalls can aid in a more constructive and healing journey. By allowing yourself to feel and express emotions, seeking social and professional support, resisting the urge to rush the process, and avoiding self-destructive behaviors, you can navigate your grief more effectively and find a path toward recovery.