Have you ever attempted to change a behavior and found that no matter how hard you try you just can’t kick it? Perhaps you find yourself spending hours on social media, or shopping beyond your financial means, or watching pornography despite repeated attempts to stop. You have made earnest attempts to change, but you find yourself in the same place over and over again. Perhaps you are even wondering if this behavior you are struggling with has become an addiction? This leaves many people feeling stuck.
If trying harder hasn’t worked, it may be time for a new approach.
“The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.” ~ Brené Brown
Let go of shame
The first step to finding freedom from these unwanted habits is to let go of shame. Often behavioral addictions produce a lot of shame for those of us who struggle with them. It makes us feel as if something is deeply wrong with us. It is important to know that often unwanted behavior or addiction is a means of coping with painful emotions, developed in a time when we didn’t know any better way to survive. More on this later.
Shame is an extremely painful emotion. It forces us into hiding. In an effort to prevent others from seeing our shame, we isolate ourselves, and shame continues to thrive in that isolation, convincing us that this is what we deserve because of what we’ve done. In the end, it leaves us lonely and only serves to perpetuate the very behavior we wish to do away with. Letting go of shame opens the door to getting help and discovering the roots of our behavior.
“Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality."
Dan Allender
Take care of yourself
Everything we do, including our unwanted behaviors, we do for a reason. Unwanted behaviors are often telling us about unmet needs. When seeking to reduce unwanted behaviors, consider self-care. Self-care is simply making sure your needs are being met. Start with the basics: food, diet, and exercise. While it may seem trite, a shocking amount of life issues emerge from insufficient sleep, a poor diet, or a lack of exercise.
One of the most overlooked and effective tools for self-care is breathing. Pausing for 5 minutes out of your day to do deep diaphragmatic breathing is one of the easiest and most empirically supported ways to regulate our body and mind.
Next, look at your inner needs. Are you overwhelmed by busyness, anxious about your situation, frustrated by failures? Unaddressed emotions are one the most common drivers of unwanted behaviors. Prioritize activities that will refresh you. Talk with a friend, take a walk in nature, spend time with loved ones, participate in your hobbies. When we don’t take care of ourselves, we look for easy ways to numb the pain that ultimately harm us.
“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.” ~ Brené Brown
Deal with the Roots of addiction
Unwanted behavior or addiction often has roots in our past. Everything we do has some connection to the core beliefs created by our story. The difficulties we encountered in our family of origin tend to form the largest and most influential “roots” in our lives. Unwanted behaviors are tools that we developed to survive those times.
Perhaps we began looking at pornography at a time when we were lonely at home and school, or we restricted our eating to feel in control in an out of control home, or we played hours of video games to block out the conflict going on in the next room. While these areas of our lives may be difficult to think about, let alone talk about, exploring our story is vital to the healing process. By understanding their origins, we can begin letting go of survival strategies that no longer serve us and establish new healthy ways to cope with life’s challenges.
“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”
Bessel van der Kolk
Get help with your addiction from compassionate people
Trying harder doesn’t work with addiction because we need help from others. Those unaddressed emotions remain unaddressed until they are spoken and heard. This step requires vulnerability– being honest in such a way that it opens us up to being hurt. Asking for help and for connection means admitting that we are not ok to another person. While scary, this step is potentially the most vital and rewarding part of the healing process. This is why we need compassionate and competent people to share in our struggle and show us that we are loved.
We must find people who are compassionate– willing to empathize with us, ask questions, and refrain from judgment. And we must find people who are competent– people who understand the struggle and can offer a helping hand towards healing. You may consider mature and close friends, mentors, teachers, or therapists to fill this role in your life. If you or a loved one struggle with any form of unwanted behavior, you are not alone. Our team of counselors at Rivers Edge would be honored to walk with you into greater freedom and fuller life.
Thomas De La Garza | College Station
Life is a journey. Sometimes we get tired, hurt, or lost along the way. What we need most in those times is somebody to walk with us while we find our way. My goal as a counselor is to journey with you, helping you find your way towards hope, healing, and growth. I am a Masters Level Graduate Student supervised by Tyler Sullins, LPC-S.
