The Mask of ‘Fine’
We all know the look—someone who seems calm, put-together, and confident on the outside. But if you look a little closer, there’s often something else underneath: a quiet sense of overwhelm, anxiety, and pressure to keep it all together. This is the mask of “fine.” It’s the face many people wear when they’re caught in patterns of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and high-functioning anxiety. These patterns usually didn’t come out of nowhere—they often began in childhood as ways to feel safe, stay connected, or meet expectations. In this article, we’ll take a closer look at where this pressure comes from, how it tends to show up in everyday life, and how therapy can help you begin to unlearn it and move toward something gentler.
What It Really Means to Be a People-Pleasing Perfectionist
Perfectionism is not just about making everything perfect. Often, it is more about fears of unworthiness or unsafety. There is a sense of over-functioning to maintain a sense of peace, safety, or avoid conflict. People-pleasers often have difficulty saying “no” even when they want to, excessively apologize when they don’t need to, and hide their true opinions to avoid conflict. Perfectionists often fear failure of meeting their own or others’ expectations, have difficulty relaxing, and have a tendency to self-criticize. Often these things lead to burn-out and exhaustion.
Perfectionism ends up shielding us from vulnerability.
Instead of striving for true excellence, it becomes a way to avoid shame, criticism, or failure by controlling how we’re perceived. At its core, it’s a strategy to protect ourselves from the discomfort of feeling not enough.
Where Perfectionism Comes From
Many times the survival strategy for people-pleasing and perfectionism come from roles in your family such as “peace-maker”, “responsible one”, or “high-achiever”. When love feels conditional due to external achievements or having to become the emotional support for our caregivers, this can cause these survival skills to take root in order to achieve the feeling of safety or love. People-pleasing is similar to the “fawn” response. This is when the person must attune to others’ emotions to avoid harm or rejection. What once worked as survival, however, may no longer be serving in the way it once did.
The Hidden Costs
The emotional toll often shows up as chronic anxiety, shame, guilt, and constant self-criticism. In our relationships, it can lead to one-sided dynamics, resentment, and unhealthy boundaries that only add to our exhaustion. Perfectionism and people-pleasing leave us feeling empty or taken advantage of. Over time, we may begin to hide our true selves in order to meet others’ expectations. We lose sight of who we are and what we actually need.
It’s no wonder this way of living feels overwhelming.
As Aundi Kolber wisely says, “Being overwhelmed isn’t a failure; it’s a sign that our nervous system needs care.”
This is a gentle reminder that healing is possible. Our bodies, minds, and souls are worthy of compassion and care. There is no weakness in tending to ourselves.
What Healing Looks Like
The symptom of anxiety, people-pleasing, and perfectionism can be a sign to make a different choice. Healing can look like curiosity towards those parts of ourselves and offering kindness to the parts that weren’t protected in earlier experiences. Therapy can offer help with exploring those earlier childhood roles and experiences. This often means acknowledging and seeing those parts that had to be ‘perfect’ and please others. Therapy can also be helpful for creating and setting healthy boundaries that allow for ourselves and relationships to flourish. At Rivers Edge we use a trauma-informed lens. We know can find a sense of safety in our bodies and minds to release perfectionism and embrace ourselves with compassion and kindness.
How to start letting go
- Ask: “What would happen if I don’t do this perfectly?” or “What would happen if I say no?”.
- Use curiosity towards ourselves
- Discover what are your actual needs, wants, or feelings are at the present moment.
- Practice self-compassion and grace by reframing mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth.
- Remind ourselves of the “both-and” truths in life. For example, “I can be both a kind person and say ‘no’”.
- Take time to rest intentionally by doing things we love – such as going on walks, meditating, and spending time with loved ones who fill us up.
Remember this- You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to constantly please others. You don’t have to perform. There is hope for healing.